Father’s Day/Mother’s Birthday. (Day 8)

by sdlifer


Today, my sister, her husband and I took my dad out to dinner for Father’s Day. I know… I know… It’s not until Sunday but I work so we decided to do it tonight after I got off work. We went to a new place we’ve never been to and it wasn’t what we expected but we rolled with it. We were expecting a sit-down restaurant with table service but when we got there, it was a small restaurant where you order at the counter and pick it up when they call you. Not really Father’s Day material but we got over it.

When I picked up my dad, he was walking pretty slow from his front door to my car. Then when he was getting into my car, he was struggling a little too. It’s hard to see your parent hurt or be in pain when there is literally nothing you can do about. I went through this with my mother’s passing but to a greater level than right now. My dad is not in critical condition but just occasional old age pain. Either way, it makes me want to correct mistakes I’ve made in the past with my mom. Seeing her in that much pain, I didn’t know how to deal with it so I didn’t spend as much time with her as I should. When she passed, I couldn’t stand the guilt and sadness that I wasn’t there for her as much as I should have been. With every life lesson, you have to learn from them and never make the same mistake again. I’m going to spend more time with my dad. He is nowhere near death but there is no way I want to face myself if I did it to both parents.

Ironically, today is my mother’s birthday. She was born on Friday the 13th, just like it is today. I thought of her more today than any other birthday since her passing. Friday the 13th has always been her lucky day even though our culture portrays it to be an unlucky day. It always made me think of how my mother was so unique. I loved her to pieces. Tonight, my sister and I were originally supposed to go to dinner to celebrate my mother’s life but we combined it with Father’s Day as I mentioned above. For my sister and I, it’s a yearly tradition that we celebrate my mother’s birthday and I see us doing this for life. My mother was my everything. The only thing that separated us was me not being comfortable with myself and being gay. I thought my mother wouldn’t love me anymore if I were to be my real and whole self so I pushed her away so I wouldn’t hurt her or our relationship. Being out and thinking back at our relationship, I know that she would have loved me no matter what. But there is no time machine and nothing I can do to change the past. My sister and I either go out to eat to a place my mother would have liked to eat or we go and decorate her grave. Even in death, we want our mother to know we are always thinking about her. I can see us living in different cities and still doing this ritual. If my sister couldn’t fly out, I would make the trip because she already has her family established and I wouldn’t mind a day trip. RIP mother. I love you forever and always. To the day we meet again. XOXO

Also, happy early father’s day to all the fathers.
And look up at the sky everyone! It’s the full moon.

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